The #1 Affair Preventative Plus 9 Others
#1 Never counsel women.
Unrealistic?
Pastors tell me this standard is unrealistic and comes across as uncaring. I found the opposite to be true when I explained it is a wise boundary. I tell the church:
If it’s true that 80% of affairs pastors begin in a counseling situation, then making it a personal policy to not counsel women eliminates 80% of the risk. Our women’s ministries director is a qualified, caring, and spiritually mature woman who is available to provide the spiritual counsel to the women in our church.
If in a small church, seek a godly mature volunteer to serve as the women’s ministries director and include spiritual counselling in her job description. If she finds the counseling issue is over her head, she can tell the woman she is counseling that she will call you to get further help. Frankly, lead pastors know that most counseling situations are simply about being a compassionate listener and then applying basic biblical principles to common problems. Serious mental and emotional problems should be referred to the appropriate professional by whomever is spiritually counseling anyway.
Legalistic?
Didn’t Jesus met with the woman at the well, a rather loose living woman at that. Is it not being Christ-like to minister to women on-on-one and legalistic to make it a policy not to? Since the Bible nowhere prohibits counseling women and Jesus often ministered to women, is it not pharisaical to add a rule not found in Scripture? Does not Scripture teach Jesus was tempted in every way which includes sexual immorality, yet he was without sin as he often ministered to women?
Good questions.
My answers may not sound profound and may not satisfy, but here goes:
- For me personally to “flee sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18) requires specific boundaries not found in the Word. Not counselling women is one of them.
- Jesus ministered to women in open public settings and I do that. For example, I may carefully hug women in public, but never permit any physical contact whatsoever with a woman in private.
- I’m not the Son of God who forgives sin and live in different culture, so allowing a woman to kiss my feet, anoint them with oil, and wipe them with her hair has no application to me.
ILLUSTRATION Of interest to me is there was not even a hint of sexual sin on the part of Jesus or the Twelve. Jesus’ enemies made false accusations against him, yet evidently he lived so above reproach that no one attempted a false accusation regarding sexual immorality. What a contrast to the pastoral ministry today! So I’m extra careful and unashamedly abide by what many call overly strict boundaries with women.
ILLUSTRATION In one of my pastorates we hired a licensed professional Christian counselor, gave him an office on campus, and completed the pile of paper work required by the IRS to pay taxes on that office space and a few parking places. The young man we will call Joe was married with a new baby when he started. We vetted Joe carefully to make sure his foundation was the Word of God and he offered Christian counselling, and not just a Christian who counselled with secular therapy. Joe was a respected member of our church.
Sadly, he became sexually involved with a beautiful young women in the church he was counseling who struggled with promiscuity. The damage spread everywhere. While the sex was consensual, she was a client, and the young adult woman was vulnerable seeking help with her promiscuity. Her trust was violated by her church counselor. Her parents were understandably angry and file a law suit against the church and Joe. The immorality put Joe’s marriage on the rocks. The affair also cost Joe his career, as he lost his license to practice as a therapist.
I pondered
--the irony that the secular world has higher moral standards than the Christian church when it comes to a counselor’s sexual involvement with a counselee, and
--the wisdom of a every man, pastor or psychotherapist, not counselling the opposite sex.
Exceptions?
After establishing this policy, my compassionate executive secretary, Pat, knew my policy but explained there was a distraught woman new to the church insistent that she meet with me about a problem. I agreed to one meeting in my office on the condition Pat sit in on the counseling with the lady. This lady was a beauty in face and figure. Her dress was low cut at the top and short in length—a red flag from the start! During the counseling this lady made repeated advances to me verbally and in facial and body language. I cut the time short and made it clear that our women’s ministries director was the one to help her, not me. Pat was shocked the lady would be so forward in front of her in the room. I told Pat I was frankly shocked too!
While this was an extreme example of why I refused to counsel women, we both learned the value of the boundary.
[As a reminder, check with your state to make sure you use the proper terms in your church counselling, such as, “spiritual counseling” or “biblical counseling,” to avoid confusion with professional counseling by a mental health professional and any liability complications]
#2 Never discuss personal marital issues with a woman
Opening up to a woman about your marriage problems is the flip side of counseling women. Now you are the unofficial counselee and just as vulnerable to infidelity.
#3 No close friendship with another woman
This affair prevention is a broader application of affair prevention #2.
Simply put, the closer the friendship with a woman, the more likely the affair. The obvious affair prevention is to avoid all opposite-sex friendships. Close friendships grow on intimate conversation about personal problems that include marital struggles and meet other needs of care, concern, encouragement, fun times, and admiration which cause a bonding that easily moves the friendship across the line to one of romance and what becomes an irresistible sexual attraction that blinds you to the high cost of an affair.
ILLUSTRATION A dear lead pastor friend of mine with a mega church in one of his books defended men having women as close friends. He had a few. His defense was, you guessed it, the example of Jesus. Unfortunately, it was a close friendship with a woman within his ministry that crossed the line sexually and cost him his church pastorate. His story is all too common.
#4 Never meet alone with a woman, unless she is a staff person, and then only in the church office with both persons visible.
For the lead pastor to properly lead the staff, he must meet with a woman on staff one-on-one. These meetings must be in an office with others nearby and a glass window on the office door or the door open. Meeting with a woman should never be in secret.
ILLUSTRATION I served as an interim pastor with a small staff where I was to be alone in the office complex with the lovely church secretary for several hours of a day when no other staff were present. I told the board that at those times there were just the two of us in the office complex she would lock herself in the office complex for her security and I would leave to work at a nearby Panera’s or Starbucks. Such a personal policy protected me from the appearance of wrongdoing, from any false rumors, and from unnecessary temptation.
Absolutely no one-one-one meetings with a woman off campus for coffee, lunch, or whatever.
ILLUSTRATION One lead pastor car pooled with his lady music worship leader to save money. They rotated who would drive. They did this for many months. They bonded in a dangerous friendship. The church was traumatized by losing both key leaders to an affair.
All meetings off campus with the opposite sex should be in odd numbers of at least over three.
#5 Hire only a wife-approved secretary.
Many churches no longer use the title secretary, and prefer the ministry assistant or executive assistant. Whatever the title, this person is often the one who works the closest with the lead pastor and is often trusted with the most confidential matters.
Some lead pastors have their wife involved in the hiring process. My wife is not wired that way. But she must enthusiastically support the woman before hired.
If after the hire my wife’s female antenna senses my relational dangers with my executive secretary, I will make a change without bringing my wife into it to anyone.
#6. Regular accountability with trusted tough and loyal friends.
If at all possible, develop deep accountably outside of your local church and outside of your local area. A men’s small group in the church is only capable of hearing a lead pastor’s shallow accountably, not serious marriage problems (sexual, financial, etc.) and certainly not doubts about your calling to shepherd that church. The landscape is cluttered with pastors who a trusted an accountability partner in the church or community who violated a confidence to the pastor’s demise. One cannot be too careful here. I recommend a one or two pastor friendships that can meet regularly, monthly works well.
Be intentional about this.
The accentuality guys I met with were all lead pastors. We openly shared our deepest personal struggles and church difficulties that could include those on our staff (the reason for no assistant pastors). Our bonding time context was riding motorcycles with many stops to talk. We were not tied to a list of questions each meeting, but we felt the trust to be totally transparent. For over 20 years we enjoyed a trusted honest comradery, and all of us remain in the pastorate or retired from the ministry without any affair, or financial impropriety or biblically disqualifying sin.
Looking back I wish we had been more intentional in asking specified accountably questions in my lead pastor accountably group. Many pastoral coaches recommend long lists of questions, I prefer a shorter list of seven questions that still cover the key issues:
- How many days have you spent each week in personal time alone with the Lord in reading His word and prayer excluding sermon prep?
- Have you looked at anything you know Jesus would disapprove?
- Is your wife happy and feel loved as Jesus wants you to love her?
- How much quality time are you spending with you children?
- Are you a godly steward of your finances in giving, spending, saving, and investing?
- Is your lifestyle healthy in diet, regular exercise, sufficient sleep, and a weekly day off?
- Have you lost your temper or been depressed?
The one weakness with accountability groups and accountability questions is gaming the system. The guy living a lie will often cover it up with a lie.
#7 Prioritize romance in your marriage.
I used to think this was the number one preventative of an affair until I discovered pastors enjoyed affectionate marriages with fulfilling sex lives who still had affairs. A rocky or stale marriage obviously makes one more susceptible to an affair.
As the husband, God assigns you the responsibility to take the leadership in cultivating a loving healthy marriage. Check out my “Long Haul Marriage Principles” for some tips. Here are five of them relevant to this point:
Dating: 1,2,3 – (1) one night out each week, just the (2) two of us, (3) three hours together.
Sex: Never say no to each other, and never say yes to anyone else.
Anger: Never go to bed angry over anything.
Compliments: Many, daily, they cannot be overdone.
Prayer: Everyday while holding hands.
#8 Talk often about your love for your wife and brag about her.
When you talk often of your love for your wife and brag what a great wife she is, it puts up a wall to most women who seek a sinful relationship with you.
But not always. To some women a loving husband is more attractive.
ILLUSTRATION Whenever a women begins to get a little flirtatious, and I begin to feel a little attractive (pride) and attracted (lust), I begin to talk about my love for my wife and brag about her. It works every time—like pouring cold water on a fire.
#9 Expect Satan to target you and ambush you.
My young lead pastor thought this affair preventative should be #1 or #2—he thought it was that important. If you are relatively new to the lead pastor role, don’t be naïve in thinking your position makes you safer from temptation, quite the opposite is the reality. I had this reality drummed into me during my seminary pastor care class, so I entered the ministry on extra alert.
As the lead pastor you should expect Satan to focus his attention on you. If he gets you to fall, he strikes everyone in your church and many in your community.
As in warfare, Satan also knows the surprise attack is the surest way to spiritually defeat us. The unexpected visit by an old girlfriend. A woman that sneaks in on social media.
ILLUSTRATION An attractive Christian woman whose husband unashamedly slept around with many women. She had more than grounds for a divorce but wanted to preserve her marriage. She faithfully came to church alone.
One Sunday she told me had trouble listening to my sermons because she was “very attracted” to me. Ambush!
My first reaction was to direct her to another church and pastor (often the best decision!), but her extended family and many friends attended the church. I immediately informed my wife and leaders of the situation, and assigned her to spiritual counseling from a mature godly woman. I kept extra distance from her without being rude. As I preached and saw here each Sunday sitting in her usual place, controlling my thoughts was no easy task, especially since I am ADD anyway! With prayer each week it became less of problem for me. Her meetings with a wise caring woman that included prayer and the word, she realized her feelings were from the evil one. She and her husband moved away and I was told he changed his ways and they reconciled.
#10 Consider two radical announcements to your church
These may be over the top to many of you lead pastors, so I offer them last. If after prayer you sense the Lord leading you to make one or both of these announcements, take care you humbly present them with the utmost sincerity or the statements can come across as grandstanding. You are not trying to impress them, but express to them your heart.
(1) “It is my earnest prayer that God will kill me before I have an affair.”
For many years I have told my church flock those very words. And I mean it. I have prayed often that the Lord would take me home to heaven before I would have an affair and do so much damage to so many—my dear wife, my kids who all love the Lord and look up to me, now my grandkids, my church and past ministries, my lost friends (several who are atheists), and most of all my Lord and Savior who died for me.
ILLUSTRATION As I have one several occasions reminded the church of this prayer. My wife told me to add that if I die, it may have nothing to do with a secret impending affair. It may be just my time. As she put it with a grin, “When you die I don’t want everyone wondering, who was she?!”
“If I commit adultery as your pastor, as my deserved discipline for creating such a scandal in the Lord’s church, I promise to never serve as a pastor at any level in any church again.”
I have never made this announcement as a lead pastor, but it expresses and personalizes my conviction for any pastor with who commits adultery as a pastor.
I came up with this strong announcement while consulting a church whose experienced the trauma of dismissing their last three lead pastors due to sexual immorality. I suggested that the next pastor made a promise similar to the this one as a part of his calling at the church.
Not every church need make this a condition to be a candidate, but I would think a pastor who stepped into a church so deeply hurt by repeated infidelity of their spiritual leader would more than understand the reason and be willing to make such a commitment.
What if every church made such a promise a requirement for candidating? Extreme? Maybe. Maybe not.
Could a pastor make the promise, have an affair, and still seek to return to the pastorate? Sure. But it would be one more hurdle of lack of integrity that would carry some weight.
Why limit this just to infidelity? Why not add a whole list of sins like pornography (adultery of the heart), plagiarism of sermons (theft and dishonesty of presenting them as yours), profanity/obscenities (foul mouth at times), and etc. I suppose one could add a long list of disqualifying sins. So many other sins have a much higher subject aspect. I limit it to adultery as it seems to the most common, the most serious, and the most scandalous.